Glory in Broken Vessels

Some things I learned while studying Judges 6-7:

Gideon is a great example of God using broken imperfect people to accomplish great and mighty things!

Gideon is a man marked by fear, doubt and insecurity.   Yet God looks at him and calls forth his potential.   While hiding in a wine press God calls him a mighty man of valor.   For the next few chapters we can’t help but see Gideon’s timidity as he steps forward in obedience, in all honestly his failures probably outweigh his victories.   And yet ever so patiently God keeps reassuring and confirming again and again His promise to be with Gideon.  I am so grateful for our patient and merciful Father!

I love how God strengthens Gideon’s courage by assuring him that He will be with him.   We’re all familiar with that quote that courage is not the absence of fear but it is going forward in the midst of fear.

The Bible is full of examples of people that God asked to do something absolutely radical and yet in obedience they take that first what looks like to be a ridiculous step of faith.   Noah was asked to build an ark that would save all of creation from a flood.   So many questions could have run through his head like God Couldn’t we just move or what is rain exactly?” Yet  Noah picked up the axe and he felled that first tree.   Abraham and Sarah were old and barren when God promised them a child. The Israelite priests had to step into the raging river before God stopped the waters   David was but a boy when anointed to be king.   Peter stepped out of a boat and onto water.

We tend to want neon lights, audible voices from the Lord, to have every single detail put in place before were willing to step out into what God is calling us.   It’s way too easy to talk ourselves out of some crazy looking step of faith.    But that’s what God wants he wants us to step out and put 1 foot in front of the other even when we don’t know how that first step is going to go.    Peter could’ve stood in the boat until God made the water solid like a bridge but instead he had to step out knowing there was a great probability that he would sink.

What big crazy beyond you idea is God whispering to your heart what is the first step of faith and obedience that you can take towards that goal?


Chapter 7 goes on to talk about how Gideon gathers the largest army he possibly can (even though he is still outnumbered 4:1).   Yet God begins the process of whittling the army down.  Why? Because God does not want the glory to belong to mankind he doesn’t want Gideon and the nation of Israel to ever think “hey, we did it ourselves”.   By the time the battle is to commence Gideon heads out with 300 men (outnumbered 450 to 1) armed with a trumpet and torches hidden in a clay pots.   They may have carried swords but if so they were sheathed for their hands were full and in truth they had no need of them.

Imagine the scene.   creeping up in the dark this small troop surrounds a valley that looked to be filled with slumbering soldiers and their camels to numerous to count.  .  In unison they blasted their trumpets, shattered the clay pitchers so that their torches shone brilliantly and cried out “the sword of The Lord and Gideon!”  The slumbering army gets up and in a panic, with cries of fear and bumbling attempts to flee they draw their swords killing whoever stands in their way.   All the while the Israelite army was able to stand still and see God defeat the enemy.

My first thought on reading the description of God whittling down Gideon’s army was God wants us to lean on Him not our own strength.  So often those seasons of heartbreak and trial are God whittling down the things we lean on apart from Him.   In my own life I can see this to be true.   Everything I held to as a support or source of strength slipped through my fingers.   Alone I found I still had God and in having God I was never truly alone or without.

As the pitchers were broken and the radiance of the torches revealed I thought of how often our Earthly vessels have to be broken for the light of God shine in its brilliance.

Listening to JD Greerer speak on this chapter , he talked about the broken vessels. He pointed out how our weakness cracks and imperfections are opportunities to glorify God.   When we can’t He can!   Briefly he mentioned the Japanese art form of Kintsugi.   Where cracks and breaks are repaired and highlighted in gold.   Where instead of throwing out the broken vessels as is so often our tendency, they are restored in such a way that their value is greater than it was beforehand.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VtD1m7EgF5Y

That is so like God!!!   He sees us in our brokenness and sometimes He even leads us down bumpy trails that may add to our brokenness so that we see our desperate need and lean on Him!!! He then  repairs those cracks in such a way our need for Him is highlighted.   He then goes on to uses us more than our wildest dreams could imagine!!!

I think of the bread Jesus used to feed the multitudes.   Over and over again you’ll see the phrase repeated in the New Testament that He took the bread He broke the bread He blessed the bread and He gave the bread.    Likewise He takes our lives into His hands. He allows us to be broken to see our need for Him.   In that place of brokenness He blesses us, fulfills and multiplies us.   He then gives us back as a blessing to others as a miracle that draws others unto Him.

Quoting JD Greear again “God does not call the brave, He makes brave the called. He does not a appoint  the equipped, He equips those He has appointed.

One of my missionary heroes Hudson Taylor once said “All God’s giants have been weak man. Who did great things for God because they reckoned on God being with them.

Daniel 11:32 says “....those who know their God shall be strong and carry out  great exploits!”

OHANA

I first heard this term while binge watching Hawaii 5-0 on Netflix.  In the first few seasons it seemed nearly every episode the characters (members of a law enforcement team) would use the term Ohana in several of their conversations.  As they explained it, the term is Hawaiian for “family”.  They were not talking about a family limited to flesh and blood, but a family birthed through covenant.  It’s an intentional choosing of others; a tribe or people who claim you as their very own.  It’s a place to belong.  As I watched this show I could not help but notice how empty my life was of Ohana and how much I longed for it.

Historically members of the body of Christ used to refer to one another as Brother and Sister.  This is Brother Bob and he is married to Sister Julia.  I am not sure if the terms were because they truly viewed others as adoptive siblings, or it was a formality…but the tradition has faded in most church settings.  I go to church with a bunch of people on Sunday morning that I don’t really know in my day to day life.  I recognize they are members of the same family of God, but they don’t really feel like my legitimate family. Add to that within our communities we have so many different houses of worship.  Each with their own name, congregations and denominational theology, etc.  Sometimes the different representations gather for a community related thing but mostly they keep to their own four walls and traditions  They all may claim the name of Christianity but they view one another with pride in themselves and disdain for those that don’t share their particular brand.  They sure don’t act like a single family but a bunch or distant possibly even feuding clans. I can’t imagine the pain in God’s heart as a Father when He looks on the body, broken and divided as it is,

I will be honest I don’t like church as it is normally represented. I am completely turned off when someone base their doctrinal argument on the teachings of some fallen man. It breaks my heart that in my own flesh and blood family there is teaching of man in the way that hinder us sharing communion together.  I am bored to death with attending a church service on Sunday and conversing in small talk.  When I ask how you are I don’t want to hear the standard fine, I want to hear your highs, lows hope and dreams.  I want to see people through God’s eyes and I want to be seen truly myself.  I guess I have been spoiled.

Surrendering my life to Christ back in 1997 I was nearly immediately influenced by friends and family who were each part of differing expressions of the body of Christ.  My parents were Lutheran, one cousin Baptist, one Charismatic, two friends in a false teaching that claimed Christianity and so many others.  I asked questions of all of them. Each had their own interpretations of what the Bible meant when it says……  I had to learned to dig into the Word of God to sort out the differing opinions. Rejoice in the Truth shared and overlook the differences that were not black or white.  Soon I was enveloped into a team ministry made up of people from several Christian backgrounds.  I had friends who were Amish, Baptist, Mennonite, CMA, Pentecostal, Presbyterian the list goes on.  I learned so much from each of them.  We focused on our similarities not our differences and soon I could see as long as we had Jesus in common, His blood was truly thicker than water!!!

Serving in team ministry we did life side by side.  We worshiped together, studied together, ate together, prayed together, played together, hung out together.  You get the jist.  My life was closely knit with the people I fellowshipped with.  I could look around the meal table at any moment and say this is my family, these are my people this is my tribe!!!  This is what nearly my first two decades of following Christ looked like!!!! I was so blessed not to have the "Normal" church experience, but the abundant one instead!!!  In all reality, I probably experienced the Family God intended for all of His kids

I imagine I got to live a reflection of the church as found in Acts.  In those days Chruch was the church of Corinth or Ephesus, etc.  it was the Conglomerate body of the entire region.  They may have met in larger groups in the Synagogues or by rivers on the Sabbath.  Yet throughout the rest of the week they broke bread in one another’s homes, they gathered together in small handfuls of people to fellowship, pray and encourage one another.  They did life side by side.  Teachers taught and mentored not just in words but in doing life with their followers.   Many sold their possessions choosing instead to share all things in common, so they could better care for the poor, widowed and orphaned.  Imagine if you will a commune without the sex, drugs and cultic leaders.   

That is the concept of Family God intended for His Body the church.  That is Ohana.  A family, clan, tribe made up of people intentionally chosen, adopted and united by the blood of Christ. Brothers and Sisters in Christ, Spiritual Mothers and Fathers not just in formality or overused but unfelt name…but in function!

I grew in Christ in an environment surrounded by Family in the truest sense.  I was mentored and loved by Spiritual mothers and fathers, encouraged, taught and shared life with friends who became as close as any brother or sister.  I have invested in people that I soon looked on with the love, protectiveness, pride and passion any mama bear has over her cubs.   

My last Christmas with the Nicholson I was given a family tree plaque.  Although some of the branches on that tree represent my blood family, many more represent my adoptive kin.  That gift meant so much to me, cause for me, family has long since been so much bigger than people whose last name I share.

That loss of kinship has been the biggest hole in my life the past few years. Most of you know the story or part of it anyhow.  I had a break in the team I ministered with for nearly 17 years.   Words were spoken and ties were cut.  Covenant broken.  Both parties are guilty, but I suspect neither party fully sees or owns their part.  I still don’t fully understand how Christians can walk away from covenant relationships.  I did not think it was possible. I did all I knew to do.  The pain has been worse than anything I have ever felt. And to be honest held me prisoner to my own hurt and unforgiveness for so long and left me to terrified and crippled to say yes to another ministry, leader or vision.  That's why it has been three years and I let all those other ministry doors grow cold on the back burner...I was to scared to trust again.

My experience was broken, not by God and not by people but torn asunder by the enemy who comes to steal kill and destroy.  I love the people involved still.  but I lost this beautiful picture of what church can look and feel like and fumbled my way into what church looks like for the vast majority of Christians.    I have my blood family, I have my work relationship, I have people I reach out to and I have crowds of strangers I cross paths with.   in attending church on Sunday mornings or Wednesday evenings I have my church.  These circles don’t overlap much…and truth be told I don’t feel seen let alone known in any one of them.  To me it is such a foreign land to walk in and yet It is normal for most everyone I know, even the church. 

I miss the sort of fellowship and intimacy that I have known as “normal” in the circles I ran with.   I miss doing life in a community who shared my love for God, and His truths.  I miss sharing a common vision with the team around me and working to reach out and love others.  I miss having shared goals and vision that drastically impacts not just my life and calling but all of ours. 

In the past year or two of trying my hand at a "normal" life.  I have grown in my dissatisfaction at what most find to be normal, I find I am longing for so much more.  It has been a time to wrestle out what I’m looking for and what I bring to the table. I miss full time ministry but I'm enjoying this season of a job that pays. I don’t want to leave the church that was the first to send me out into missions….but I also don’t desire to go, just to go.     I am rebuilding connections with loved ones who I stepped back from as I grieved.  

I keep coming back to the verse in Psalms 68:6 “God sets the Solitary in Families”

My entire Christian walk was Him surrounding me with family to run with, for a season or a lifetime.  Some really were related by Blood, but God strengthened the ties by building on a shared love of Jesus. Others became family through shared time and circumstances. So much so I don’t differentiate between blood by relation or blood by Jesus.  Others were family for a brief season.  The time we shared life may have been short but the ties went deep.  Even overseas the people I lived with became extensions of that family! 

Sometime it was other families opening their arms and welcoming me in…..but as I grew in the Lord it was me opening my heart and arms to welcome others in.  In any team I led my greatest desire is for the season that we shared together we would become “family”

I realized that although I am looking for a Family of believers to do life with, I am also looking for lonely hearts in need of a family. I long to share my meal table and living room and heart with people needing a family.    I want to be the house with coffee pot always on. 

Remember my mentioning the Christmas gifts of a family tree earlier?  I dreamt once I hung that plaque on the wall in the hall way of my future home and extended the branches off the picture onto the wall itself.  From one branch hung my mom, Dave’s picture followed by John, Matt and of course room for Matt’s girls.  The Nicholson Clan had their own cluster of limbs.  My Underwood, McCoy and Zierke roots each had a group photo.   On each extension of the tree were images of folks who God has grafted into my life, “framily” Friends +Family.  There were pics of Masons/Viles, Kingstons, and YWAMers all over the world.  But one branch the one representing my own line extended all the way down the long hall way.  From this branch hung pictures of children God has already called me to pray for, (kids I’ve met and loved over the last 20 years) and kids I will one day call my own.  Whether that biologically, foster or via adoption.  In my dream I was hanging a child’s picture on the wall and telling the kid, motioning to the entire wall Families are not just blood, this is my family, and now this is your tribe too.”

I don’t know what life will hold but I know I am looking for my Ohana.  We are all created to be part of a family.  I am called and gifted to create family, to nurture family and to build it.   I know who some of them are, you reading this might be part of my tribe of intentionally chosen FRAMILY…..but there are members of my tribe I have not yet met. They may be people who I will look to as mentors or folks I can run with. There are even ones who may come to the table empty and broken and I am called to pour into.

The Coffee pot is on, Come on in!!!

Determined to Dig Another Well

So what would it look like if every time you opened your Bible, or heard a sermon or God spoke to your heart you determined to apply and obey one take away truth to your life?  How would your life and walk change? Where might you be?  

So often on Sunday morning we hear a sermon and walk away thinking that was a “good” message.... but then by evening we can’t even remember what the preacher talked about.   Let alone have a plan to make it real in our day to day.  Or how many times have you opened your Bible in your private quiet time and discovered a beautiful gem of truth... but then a few days later it’s memory has faded.  Or what about the times you feel you have heard God whisper for you to do something or say something... but the moment passes with no step forward on your part? 

But what if we treasured the Word of God?   What if we heard every sermon as if God had something in it for me personally?   What if we looked for Rhema words in tho Logos?  What if we took those little whispers to heart and valued them as clear cut commands?  

Some of you are reading that and saying but of course I treasure God’s Word!  I learn so much.  Messages, written and heard so often minister to my heart!   I try to do His will.  

I am not trying to question yours or even my  love of God’s Word.  But I think we all should seriously weigh out how well we put those truths into practice in our lives.  

For me I’m tired of recording a truth in my journal that jumped out at me while reading the word and then some weeks, months or years later recording a similar idea as if it was brand new to me!   It greives me when I look back on an idea I Know God inspired only to realize weeks or months have past and I have not obeyed.  I want to bring each truth into my life and walk immediately.    I want to grab hold of  these truths and make them mine.  

I’ve felt convicted lately of my own spiritual laziness.  Every week I’m renewing my commitment to follow through on something I know I ought to do but I still don’t do it.  My journal is full of gems God showed me, but then some months later God is showing me again and I forgot it was a lesson already learned.  For months now I’ve had hundreds of little ideas, visions for the future, messages I felt impressed to share, letters to write, phone calls to make etc and I’ve done none of it.  Or at-least very little of it.   I know my hesitation to follow through is grieving God’s heart.  

So what now?   Well part of moving forward is just this  making a choice to follow through with the things I know God is calling me to.  

One of those is to take those little gems of truth discovered in quiet times or built on through a message at church or a good book and share them.   I am a teacher of the word who has spent the last year in a half maybe even the last 3 years hiding out in a cave.   I’m a dreamer of big visions from God who has kept things close to the vest for way too-long.   I’ve walked through a desert of grief...and only just now ready to share the journey of healing out-loud.  I’m someone who once committed to live transparently....got stomped on and retreated....but all along I’ve known God never called us to retreat.  He called us and equipped us to  to stand our ground and advance!!!  To live life with others!!!  

So I guess all that to say if I’m doing what I feel God is prompting me your about to hear a lot more from me.   Encouragements from scripture, vision for the future and some depth not surface even in the hard stuff!!!  

Once I remember my own password I will probably use that blog to share.  

Turn the water on

Looking for a quote fit for a memorial service I stumbled on another gem that got me to thinking.

Louis L’Amour is credited with advising

“Start writing, no matter what.  The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.”

Over the last year and a half or so God has spoken so many truths, shared some precious nuggets and gems that have ministered to my heart and often I was sure would bless another.  I knew I ought to share it, face to face with someone of via Facebook or even this blog or at least record it in my journal so I could come back to it, for later.  Sometimes I knew it was not just a matter of ‘I should share this as it might encourage someone else’, but I knew with an urgency ‘I need to share this now, today, it will be a timely word for someone who needs to hear it as desperately as I just did. 

Herein lies the problem…I never followed through.  I never called the people up who I hoped to encourage, never made the time to visit, never even typed up the revelation that I had found so engaging.  Never once took that step.  ‘I’ll do it later, I will remember, I could never forget such a profound and amazing truth’. My mind lied to me and lulled me into a false security. 

I knew I was being disobedient to the Lord’s leading….I knew from past teachings that part of continuing to hear from God is to respond to what He is telling you today.  He is still obviously speaking and ministering to me out of His word.  I glean much from the words of other sound Bible teachers and I still can discern that still small voice He whispers into our hearts with,   I figured I must not have failed Him to immensely He is still showing me cool things, though hoping I do more with them then set them on the shelf for some later date. 

A few weeks ago a message from Church went right along with something God had been teaching me some months ago and I again felt impressed with the need to share and so I started talking out loud in my truck imagining how I might share and I found I could not grasp the gem I had so treasured in my heart months earlier.  It was still there, I knew it’s content and how it spoke to my life and my future, but I could no longer recall it with vivid clarity.  Talking with a friend the other day something she said reminded me of another truth God had taught me and I hoped it would meet a need in her heart.  I opened my mouth to speak but the thought flitted away from me like a mouse might scurry through groping fingers.  I could touch it but could not articulate it.  It came out more like

 “You know, I was reading this not long ago…it said……..um…well….it was so good, it reminded me of……uh….shoot,, never mind it is on the tip of my tongue but I cant recall what I wanted to say exactly…. Maybe late when I;m not trying so hard to remember the thought will come to me.

Talk about Brain Fog!!!! 

It is not that God has quit speaking He is a Father who loves His kids and is Faithful to teach and guide us….but my Spirit may be lacking in its ability to truly receive.  Perhaps I have grown hard-hearted, dull eared and close minded. 

We all know the allegory seen in the dead sea.  It is a body of water with water flowing in, but nothing flowing out and over the years it has become salty, stagnant and nothing can live in it.  From early on in our Christian walk we have been encouraged to give away the truth God has instilled in us not to let it stagnant in us 

I have been failing in that area.  I am gifted as a teacher, but really, I have not shared anything I am learning.  If you want to know the truth I have even really related to people in over a year.   I am still digging in the Word, (though not nearly as faithfully as was my habit).  Sadly, I never or at least almost never speak out the things that were once bubbling over in my heart.  It used to be easy to take a truth God had shown me and share it with others via words of my mouth or words through typing….but now I’m not sure if the water is still bubbling with passion and life or slowly simmering away.  I don’t want to be the DEAD SEA!!!!!

So when I stumbled on the Louis L’Amour quote I knew it was time to turn the faucet on, prime the pump if need be!  I am responsible to communicate the things God has been trying to teach me.  And Not put it off until later, or next week, or next year.   I have a lot of other things I need to start doing to, but this is a start!

I am hoping some of the things that God has spoken to my heart over the last few months will be repeated.  This time I will treasure them as life giving words from my King! And I will share them (unless they are for me alone) knowing they will bless others as well. 

Greatest of Intentions and a little Spontaneous Repentence!!!

I have had great intentions with this blog, just as I have had great intentions with my morning quiet time routine, my workout and getting in shape goals or even recognizing the need just to get back to church.  Every night I go to bed with the thought Tomorrow is the day I am going to…..

Maybe this goal makes it until morning, maybe it even lasts a few days…but more often then not when the alarm goes off at 5 or so, I have forgotten all about my great intentions and opt instead for a little more sleep.  

My life has become a routine of getting up, checking facebook, going to work, coming home and watching tv, going to bed with very little variance.  I miss my early morning times of delving into the word for hours at a time, late night prayer times, having people to share life with.  I miss being passionate about something.  

Have I walked away from God?  No I still love Him with all my heart, I still get in the word…but not nearly as often as I should!!!  

Have I walked away from people?  Probably so…I talk to mom daily about our days, a rare phone conversations with Nicholsons (like only 2-3 times since January) I talk with folks at work but it is all surface stuff.  I don’t really go deep with anyone anymore.  

Have I walked away from dreams, vision, calling?  -yeah I have.

I have let my life get comfortable.  I go through my day living a life that means nothing. I have let apathy surround me and I hate it but I don’t know how to break the cylce.  think one day I will…..but Im afraid to take a single step towards those ideas. I haven’t even articulated those ideas to more than a handful of people.  

Where is the faith that God can move mountains?  Where is the passion for My King Jesus and His life changing words?  Where is the tribe I am running with and the visions I am carrying?  

2 years ago I was accused of doing something I had not done, by people I loved like family.  I tried to clear up the misunderstanding but I only got doors slammed in my face. I asked people to mediate only to learn they had already offered and the other party turned them down.  My ministry, my passion, my dreams of 17 years were flushed down the toilet and there was nothing I could do about it, my reputation was tainted and very few know the full story.    

I stepped away to process and greive and pray. I was hopefull that with time, lines of communication would open and the truth would shine forth.  So I said nothing…..I let very few in. At first this was cause I wanted to honor the other party, to cover their sin to keep doors open for healing and restoration.  But as time went on this distance and my motives behind it changed.    I felt betrayed and unjustly treated, I was angry and depressed,  I was scared to share what happened cause I could not hide my anger and hatred.  I was bitter and hurt.  but I got through that, I chose life, I chose forgiveness I chose to love again.  Through all of that God was so near, always speaking, and He surrounded me with a small handful of people I could trust.   But for the most part I had pulled away from those who hurt and accused me, from those we mutually knew and from nearly everyone  else in my life….

A year went by, and now two. And I realize I am still alone…not because I am angry anymore but because I am to afraid to trust again.  I had invites from other ministry leaders who heard the story and encouraged me to come work with them.  Who apologized for what had happened and assured me that was not God’s way…. but how can I trust another team, another leader when the very ones I loved and trusted more than anyone else hurt me so deeply?

I look at my life and compare it to my life 2 years and a month ago and I don’t recognize this path I am on.  My life looks normal though dangerously lonely.  I get up and go to work.  I have work friends, people I talk to daily but not true deeply connected friendships…I come home, eat dinner, watch TV, read a book, take a class.  My entire life goes forward, but where is the hunger, the joy, the passion the need for prayer and faith?  Where is the challenges, the vision the excitement?  Two years and a month ago I was leading teams and loving Jesus.  I was passionate about my own growth and investing in others. I had dreams bigger them me.  

I have lost my first love.  I have grown comfortable in my day to day.  I know God loves me, but I have not pursued Him back with hunger.  I have grown comfortable with the distance between He and I, and between myself and the rest of the world.  

Jesus I miss You!  I miss having a reason to get up and go about my day.  I miss being in Love with You, being passionate and Hungry to Know You more.  I am so sorry that I let my own anger and hurt cause me to pull away from people and by pulling away from those human interactions I began to miss out on the best part of being in family and relationship with You!!!  I didn’t realize I was leaving You behind too but I was.  Forgive me and help me to go back

Drawing Closer when it hurts

So I have been thinking about this a lot lately!  

Easter came and went just a few weeks ago.  During the week preceding Easter I like to read the accounts of what happened during the “Holy Week”.  If possible I like to attend or even host a seder meal with friends and family.  These practices help me to really reflect on the significance and transforming power of all the Jesus did for me in going to the cross.  

I often marvel at all that happens on the night Jesus and His disciples celebrated the last supper.  (John 13-18.)  John 13-17 is part of a selection of passages that I have often taken weeks to months to read, re-read and meditate, and re-read again. There is so much meat in those short few chapters.  These were Jesus’ last words to His closest friends and loved one.  This was Him passing on all He knew His followers would need to know after He was gone.  You know how in a movie when some one is dying people draw near so as not to miss a single syllable of the dying man’s last utterances.  

Admittedly His followers did not fully grasp that Jesus was essentially saying goodbye and preparing them to go on with out Him in the physical sense.  They had no idea as he taught during that last weeks, or conversed over that final meal, or as they walked and talked on their way to the garden of Gethsemane that by tomorrow this time Jesus would be dead.  When He poured out His heart to God and they struggled to stay awake they had no concept that this would be their last chance to pray with their friend who was closer then a brother, their honored Teacher, Lord and Savior.

But we do have that perspective.  We know what happened after Jesus got up from His time with God, we know how He was betrayed by Judas, one of His own.  We know how the ever confident Peter would soon deny he had ever even met the Lord.  How 11 of His 12 would flee and hide in terror for their own lives, letting themselves get buried under fear, confusion and dread.  How one in shame and guilt would take his very life feeling their was no possible return from his failures.  We read these passages from the perspective of knowing what was about to happen.  And what has happened since.

I just cant shake the realization that Jesus, who was God in the flesh, went through that last night with His 12 knowing who would betray Him, who would deny Him and who would fall away and loose hope even momentarily. He knew who would doubt His promises and would retreat and hide. Yet what does He do?  He draws closer to the 12.  He opens His heart even wider letting them all in even more then they already were.  He commits and covenants Himself to their relationship on an even deeper level then ever before.  He loved Peter, even though He already knew that with in a few hours Peter would be swearing that he had NEVER known Jesus.  He loved John and let Him rest upon His chest even knowing that in just a few hours time when Jesus would need a friends the most John would  desert Him in the very valley of decision, choosing the comfort of sleep over comforting Jesus whose heart was in deep anguish.  He loved Judas deeply, even knowing that Judas would soon betray Him with a kiss.  He gave His heart even more fully to each and everyone of His followers, knowing that most would not be with Him in His human hour of need.

How do we respond when others fail us, let us down, or purposefully seek to destroy us?  We get angry and offended, we rage and war, we distance ourselves and put up walls.  We back away to protect our hearts.  

Arent you grateful that Christ is not like Human lovers and friends.  Even knowing how deeply we will fail He draws closer to us!!! He bares His heart and gives us the opportunity to choose to love or strike Him.  He shows His vulnerability.  He keeps His connection with us as His priority!!!

We are often the first glimpse people get of Father God.  How we respond can draw people closer to the Truth and Love of Christ or push them even further away.

Getting back to it!!!

I had great intentions.  Write something, anything  at least twice a week.  This discipline would challenge me and help me to grow as a communicator and possibly help to motivate me to finish some big writing projects that have cooled on the back burner for way to long.  Also it would be a great outlet as I learn new things in the word of God I get this urgency to pass it on.  My drives become sermon birthing zones…typing up some of those teachings would help me to move into a new topic and give my dog a break from my rantings.  

Then I saw a lady speak into a video camera. She was not drop dead gorgeous, the room behind her was nothing special she did not have the voice to beat all other voices but her messages were passionate and inspiring. I watched and thought I could do this. I will do this….So I decided to share that list of values via a video message (a vlog?).  I borrowed my mom’s ipad and filmed 3 different messages.  It took hours cause in nervousness I kept stumbling over my words.  Funny but that flashing light was far more scary then any group of people I have ever spoken in front of!  I had carefully chosen the right outfit (admitedly I wore three to hide I was doing it all on one day) the perfect angle, not to close yet still up close and personal.  All in all I was pleased with the outcome it had taken a whole day, lots of fresh starts and akward blunders, yet my passion shone through.  I was fairly confident that people would be encouraged if not inspired!!!   But then when it came to posting them, I could not get the file to transfer.  They were too big?? I tried mutliple times with the same result.   I had no idea how to make them smaller.  

Defeated I filmed the first one over again using my laptop.  But I had to position the computer in such a way that my hands and gestures could never be seen.  I was nothing but a talking head.  The quality was grainy and I hated it!!!!  I posted it anyway to keep up with my deadline of posting something every few days…but I just sort of quit after that.  If it could not be done in a way I could be proud of why bother?

It has been over a month, almost two.  I guess it is time to get back on the horse…though we wont be filming anything just yet!