A Ministry Amongst Wilderness Caves

Several months ago I penned these sentiments in my journal…

”Even if I should lose everything I love in  life, but still have Jesus, then I still have EVERYTHING!  For Jesus my all Sufficient One is more than enough.  Jesus + nothing else = everything.”

 Little did I know, how much those words would be tested. 

I have heard several Christians talk about how horrible 2015 was and how grateful they are that the year is over and a new one beginning.  I too feel that way.  Which is odd because up until a few months ago I would have told you that 2015 was the most amazing and fruitful year of both my personal life and ministry. Then I was hit by a “train” that sent me reeling through a myriad of confusion, doubt, anger, hurt for the past several months.

The past few months have caused me to re-evaluate everything in my life, all my hopes, dreams, goals and even my relationships.   I am not sure yet if I am on steady ground and moving forward or not and I feel like I can count my truest friends on a single hand.  But through it all I have had some of the most amazing times with God!  And I think it is possible one day I will look back and honestly be able to say I would not trade this season

I have been thinking a lot about a conversation I overheard maybe 2 years ago -between a preacher friend of mine and another pastor I know.  The one was talking about a really rough season in his life where he felt completely alone and was sorting through a lot of betrayal and what seemed like a  loss of a lot of God’s promises for his life.   He said for months he lay on his living room floor crying out to God. He called it his cave ministry.  The other guy added in that every leader in the body of Christ must pass through a similar testing ground.  A season of deep trial and brokenness, to advance.  He related to it as Joseph’s season in the pit and in prison and joked that pit really stands for preachers in training.  I walked away from that conversation thinking about how I wanted a cave season of my own…Oh I did not want the heartbreak that led to my friend’s season…but I wanted the concentrated time with God…the season to really dig in and go deep in prayer and worship.

Last year as I moved into this cute little cabin I thought of the many nights I could crank worship music and pray into the night…and as I planned this Sabbatical season, I looked forward to the time I could dedicate to worship, prayer and just seeking God in deeper way.   Little did I realize I was about to be shoved through my own crucible of faith, my own season of deep grief that would cause me to question everything but the love of God.

For although God has seemed silent on my many questions of late, He rarely even spoken up as I wrestled though my tumbled thoughts and feelings even the ones that were not according to His love and Character…but He never once ceased to remind me of His deep seated Love for me.   He was never silent when I questioned my own value, and He continually reminded me that He is my Source, my Defense and My Safe place.

I went to this conference this past week hoping to miraculously complete the healing process, hoping for clarity and direction…And I am not sure if I got any of that.  I don’t feel any more healed spiritually or emotionally than I did in the last 2 months or so…God has already been healing me...though I know we still have a ways to go.  Direction wise I can’t say He has led me in a different direction then He has for the last 17 years of ministry.  I can’t say He even gave me clarity on the timing or immediate direction on what this season looks like.  Except that He seemed to confirm what I have been feeling the past few months about using this time as that “Cave Ministry Season” of deep prayer and intimacy.  In December I started shutting down a few distractions I had from spending time with God and while at the Conference I thought of a few more.    I am not artistic so I was surprised when at the conference I clearly saw some art murals in my mind’s eye that I feel urgently I need to make…that was not new though, just a few weeks ago I began to share with a friend of mine how I felt I needed to dig my sewing machine out of storage and my craft supplies, cause I wanted this season to be one not only for worship and prayer but to give room for creativity.  I knew to do that I would need to make room in my tiny house and so I had decided that I wanted to give away or sell my queen bed so that I could buy a daybed with room for storage underneath.  (you may not get the depth of that sacrifice but I love my bed!!!)   

(added later here are the Murals I felt impressed to make)

 

Another thing God seemed to speak during the conference though again not new info really was on  week long DTS teaching I have felt compelled to develop for several years now.  But I always lack the passion, the inspiration to put flesh on the skeletal idea.  Then this week it hit me it was because I was starting from the wrong starting point.  And so from a new vantage point I began to see the whole message begin to unfold.  Why I had I never thought of taking this direction before?

Lastly, as you know I have been considering doing two different ministry schools for some months now, during this sabbatical season…but in the past few months have lost the desire to go to either.  So I was hoping God would clearly tell me with bright NEON lights, “Go here and do this!”  but He did not…instead an old desire, one I had not considered for years sort of was renewed…so now instead to trying to decide between 2-3 options I am trying to choose between 3-4!!! J

In closing I had this thought I wanted to share with you, from my Quiet time this evening.  This is for all those like me who have found themselves plowing through a season of heartbreak and uncertainty.

Psalm 84:3-7 really stood out to me

“Just as the Sparrow seeks her home,

And the swallow find in her own nest a place to lay her young,

I, too, seek Your alters, My King and My God,

Commander of Heaven’s Armies.

How blessed are those who make Your house their home,

Who live with You: They are constantly praising You.

Blessed are those who make You their strength,

For they treasure every step of the journey.

On their way through the Valley of Baca (weeping),

They stop and dig wells to collect refreshing water,

And the early rain fills the pools.

They journey from place to place, gaining strength along the way;

Until they meet God in Zion.

Two things stood out:

 #1 - the idea of finding our home, our resting place, even our nesting place at the very alter of God.  Being most at home in His presence.

#2 Using the season of journeying through the Valley of weeping as a time to dig for refreshing waters, that strengthen us…and coming out of that place even stronger than when we went in.

As my pastor friends pointed out so many years ago, we must all go through wilderness seasons!  And although the season may be hard in the moment, we must remind ourselves that many if not all journey through, and we follow behind some amazing biblical examples.

Job was a wealthy man who seemed to have everything!  God, Himself bragged on Job’s character and integrity, and said that Job was like no other man on the Earth.  Yet in a really brief amount of time Job loses everything, his possessions, his children, his health and even the support of his wife and his friends.  And even though at the end of this testing God multiplies everything back to Job, he never actually gets answers as to why he had to endure so much loss and devastation?

Moses spent 40 years tending sheep in the wilderness.  It was a far cry from his childhood years being raised an adopted prince of Egypt with a vision of delivering the Israelites from their bondage and slavery.  How far he appears to have fallen from his privileged upbringing or even his grand destiny.

Joseph, the favored son of his earthly father was given dreams by God of leadership and authority.  But instead finds himself betrayed by his own brothers, thrown in a pit, sold into slavery and eventually falsely accused of a crime he did not commit and thrown into prison.  Do you suppose he ever wondered at the injustice of it all? Or question if He had really heard God or if God’s promises would still somehow prove true?

Jesus, Himself spent time in the wilderness.  After being affirmed publically by God who said “This is My Son, in Whom I am well pleased.”  Then the Spirit of God leads Him into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.  I have always found that interesting.  When we go through hard times we naturally fight against it, we blame the devil, and command him to leave us alone.  We long for times of favor and blessing, for seasons of abundant harvest and will settle for nothing less and we tend to think anything less has to be proof of the enemy’s schemes…but what if it is God’s Spirit leading us through the wilderness season as He led Jesus?  What if it is God ordaining the dry season or the difficult season to allow our roots to grow deeper in Him, to do some pruning in our lives that we may be even more fruitful?  ….Now please don’t hear what I am not saying!!! ….I still do not believe that God sends heartbreak, disease or death to build us up.  God does not give you cancer, take your loved ones from this earth prematurely or cause division in your marriages, families or amongst the body of Christ…those are from the hand of the one who has come to steal kill or destroy, and his name most certainly is not JESUS! …but maybe God is standing there as He did with Job and allowing the season for our ultimate betterment, saying “satan you can sift this one…but thus far and no further!!!”  In those season we must still rebuke the enemy’s clear cut works and pray for God’s intervention…but we must also choose to embrace the brokenness in our own lives, to suffer through with love and patience, to choose the high road at every opportunity and to say “God, help me to come through this better not bitter”.