I have had great intentions with this blog, just as I have had great intentions with my morning quiet time routine, my workout and getting in shape goals or even recognizing the need just to get back to church. Every night I go to bed with the thought Tomorrow is the day I am going to…..
Maybe this goal makes it until morning, maybe it even lasts a few days…but more often then not when the alarm goes off at 5 or so, I have forgotten all about my great intentions and opt instead for a little more sleep.
My life has become a routine of getting up, checking facebook, going to work, coming home and watching tv, going to bed with very little variance. I miss my early morning times of delving into the word for hours at a time, late night prayer times, having people to share life with. I miss being passionate about something.
Have I walked away from God? No I still love Him with all my heart, I still get in the word…but not nearly as often as I should!!!
Have I walked away from people? Probably so…I talk to mom daily about our days, a rare phone conversations with Nicholsons (like only 2-3 times since January) I talk with folks at work but it is all surface stuff. I don’t really go deep with anyone anymore.
Have I walked away from dreams, vision, calling? -yeah I have.
I have let my life get comfortable. I go through my day living a life that means nothing. I have let apathy surround me and I hate it but I don’t know how to break the cylce. think one day I will…..but Im afraid to take a single step towards those ideas. I haven’t even articulated those ideas to more than a handful of people.
Where is the faith that God can move mountains? Where is the passion for My King Jesus and His life changing words? Where is the tribe I am running with and the visions I am carrying?
2 years ago I was accused of doing something I had not done, by people I loved like family. I tried to clear up the misunderstanding but I only got doors slammed in my face. I asked people to mediate only to learn they had already offered and the other party turned them down. My ministry, my passion, my dreams of 17 years were flushed down the toilet and there was nothing I could do about it, my reputation was tainted and very few know the full story.
I stepped away to process and greive and pray. I was hopefull that with time, lines of communication would open and the truth would shine forth. So I said nothing…..I let very few in. At first this was cause I wanted to honor the other party, to cover their sin to keep doors open for healing and restoration. But as time went on this distance and my motives behind it changed. I felt betrayed and unjustly treated, I was angry and depressed, I was scared to share what happened cause I could not hide my anger and hatred. I was bitter and hurt. but I got through that, I chose life, I chose forgiveness I chose to love again. Through all of that God was so near, always speaking, and He surrounded me with a small handful of people I could trust. But for the most part I had pulled away from those who hurt and accused me, from those we mutually knew and from nearly everyone else in my life….
A year went by, and now two. And I realize I am still alone…not because I am angry anymore but because I am to afraid to trust again. I had invites from other ministry leaders who heard the story and encouraged me to come work with them. Who apologized for what had happened and assured me that was not God’s way…. but how can I trust another team, another leader when the very ones I loved and trusted more than anyone else hurt me so deeply?
I look at my life and compare it to my life 2 years and a month ago and I don’t recognize this path I am on. My life looks normal though dangerously lonely. I get up and go to work. I have work friends, people I talk to daily but not true deeply connected friendships…I come home, eat dinner, watch TV, read a book, take a class. My entire life goes forward, but where is the hunger, the joy, the passion the need for prayer and faith? Where is the challenges, the vision the excitement? Two years and a month ago I was leading teams and loving Jesus. I was passionate about my own growth and investing in others. I had dreams bigger them me.
I have lost my first love. I have grown comfortable in my day to day. I know God loves me, but I have not pursued Him back with hunger. I have grown comfortable with the distance between He and I, and between myself and the rest of the world.
Jesus I miss You! I miss having a reason to get up and go about my day. I miss being in Love with You, being passionate and Hungry to Know You more. I am so sorry that I let my own anger and hurt cause me to pull away from people and by pulling away from those human interactions I began to miss out on the best part of being in family and relationship with You!!! I didn’t realize I was leaving You behind too but I was. Forgive me and help me to go back
