“Come Away With Me”
Since Peru I have felt like God wanted me to "come away" and seek Him. Specifically I felt like I was to give Him 100 days. I was not sure what that meant or looked like. I even got home and tried to start various times but always something seemed lacking, or my time with Him seemed like always, and I could not help but think this 100 day season needed to look drastically different from The Norm.
This week I heard a teaching on how the Jewish culture would come before God 3x each day.
Evening and morning and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud, And He shall hear my voice. (Psalm 55:17 NKJV)
What if that is it, instead of having a quiet time in the morning what if very purposefully I pulled away to seek Him on a deeper level 3 time atleast?
I also felt like in the next 100 days I really wanted to look at who God is. The image I get when trying to describe the Lord is of a multi faceted gem(is that the right term?). Each cut is unique and reveals something beautiful about God. I want to spend this season exploring His character, His nature, and His names as revealed in Scripture.
So much has happened since I set out on this quest three days ago. For example on the first day I felt the Lord challenge me to again say "Yes" to go where ever He sends me. For the past year and especially the past few weeks I was no longer wanting to stay in missions. I wanted a normal life, marriage, kids, steady income, a house etc. Not only did He ask me to again say yes to go anywhere, I felt He also wanted me to lay down anything I was holding too tightly. Namely, the idea of a husband and my future kids. That was hard, but the hardest part was letting go of a friendship that I hoped would one day be something more. (some of you know that story) Anyhow I always knew the relationship I was looking at would not take me down the road of missions, but I did not care. But God reminding me of my heart and call to the nations, I don’t want to settle for any relationship that will pull me away from that.
Then during a corporate prayer time Some-one very briefly mentioned children being trafficked, abused sold into slavery in a list of things they were praying for. Immediately I thought of Antony the 4 year old from Peru. I began to pray for him and others like him and then I had no words to pray.... just tears. As I wept and prayed...... Never mind I truly don't know how to explain... But it was as though my every muscle was part of the prayer---does that make any sense? Any how I felt God was going to use this season to show me His heart and to redefine my purpose and calling.
Then one of the gals came to me and said that my heart was beautiful, and that God was pleased. And then she added that my children were going to impact the nations. At first this meant very little to me after all I had just given up my desire for kids. She went on to tell me that God knew my yearning to be a mom and that I would have kids, both spiritual and physical. At first her words hurt, but as she kept talking I realized she is sharing what God has asked her to share with me, so even though I laid my desire for kids on the alter God was giving it back.
Later that day I was sitting in my car in the Safeway parking lot, asking God to help me to see myself thru His eyes. I am not overly confident in my ability to hear the voice of God….sometimes I think it is just me or my own desires I hear. But I felt He said that I was beautiful and worth pursuing. This brought tears to my eyes, because it is not a truth I have ever really felt. I then felt like He wanted me to go in and buy some tulips for myself. So I went in, not sure if this was a silly idea from me or a good idea from God, but being mid-summer I did not really expect to see tulips in the store…yet there they were in bright cheerful yellow. It is long story but years ago I had a dream about being married Yellow was a significant color….I had always hated yellow but from that day on it has represented marriage to me. Of course I still think it could be a coincidence. That is until I get home, when one of the gals sees my yellow bouquet and asks if I had bought them for me or for someone else. Embarrassed, I admit they are for me. “Oh…well I should tell you that a few days ago God told me to buy you yellow flowers, and I have not done it yet, sorry.” I was so touched by that. Her words confirmed to me that I really had heard God and that the color was no accident. So in one day God asked me to give up my two greatest desires and then He gave them back.
So I laid down my biggest dreams, and then God gave them back, but set the standard higher. When Nicholsons were here I was telling Sarah how I did not want to do missions any longer and she kept telling me, that today I feel that way, but if I get what I wanted I would realize that it is not what God had wanted for me. Somewhere out there is a man, who is on fire for Jesus, is a strong leader and is passionate to see the church and the nations reached.
Day 2, was also good but in one of those painful sort of ways. One of my leaders was stressed and snapped at me. To which I replied in anger and it set the whole day off on the wrong foot. Listening to the message being shared with the DTS later that morning about how we cannot afford to have bad days, how as leaders we have to live above reproach, how we have to walk in righteousness and love and forgiveness and how we need to be un-offendable. He talked about how if we live in right standing with God and men, then we see life, breakthrough, fruit, and revival. And all along I am going…that is not me. I am not there, today….so it was a convicting day. But that is good. So I can’t complain, part of my prayer was “Lord show me my sin”.
This morning was only day 3 of this Journey, but God sent some great encouragement. I was feeling pretty weighed down by my own failures and weaknesses of yesterday. Unable to shake the “what a looser” I proved to be. Yet this morning I was awakened by a text from Iowa, someone just telling me that God was a giver of good gifts and they hoped my day was better than a cherry on my favorite flavor of ice-cream. It was so random, but in its funny way spoke volumes. The rest of the day was pretty peaceful. I got to spend hours in the word, without distraction. It was awesome. I am not sure what the next few weeks and months really will play out to look like, but if these first 3 days are any hint to it…then I am in for a wild ride!
